Today's been so mixed up...

The morning was good. I had some soup for lunch. I forced it, but I'm kinda glad I did. It actually tasted really nice... not so sure about the texture of it though. It had sliced pieces of carrots in and I dunno, they were off-putting...but I still ate it.

I'm in the middle of an argument with my boyfriend right now... which sucks. He's saying I'm treating him like a child. I didn't think I was, but to be honest, he is acting like one a bit at the moment *sigh*. I wish he'd come sort this out though, instead of going off in a mood like he has...

I'm going out with the Football girlies tonight. I'm looking forward to that. It should be fun... but there's a big shadow hanging over that right now though. We have a ball thing around mid-march time and I've chosed to wear my year 11 prom dress instead of buying a new one. Only problem being that I was at my lowest weight ever when I wore that. I can still get into it, but I'd rather that I was the same size so that I wasn't just 'getting into it'. I want it to look good.

 I haven't posted on here in so long...

Since being back at uni, things have been strange. I've fallen back into old habits and part of me actually really likes it. I feel proud everytime I don't eat.
The only problem is that I'm not really recognising hunger at the moment, so I've just been forgetting to eat. The last few days have been the worst. I haven't really eaten unless I've been prompted to...

I'm pretty confused right now...

On a brighter note though, I'm two weeks ahead with my work and I only started work on it yesterday :)
This is what I really fucking hate. When my eating is at it's worst, my studying is at it's best. No matter what I do, it's like one of them HAS to give. It's so fucked up. It's like, I have to openly sacrifice my life so that I can do well... I'm paying over £3000 a year for this education though, so I can't let that be for nothing :-/

Today has not been great. Urh.

 So, I guess today has been a good day.

I didn't eat too much and I got some revision done. Tomorrow I'm going to lock myself away in my room and just try to revise all day. I want to go back to getting high grades. I've felt too confused about everything in life to focus on studying for a while, but I feel like I'm getting some of the clarity back.

And, this is completely random but my sleeping patterns are really strange right now. I haven't been feeling tired so I've been going to bed at like 2/3am and then I don't get out of bed until about 12pm!! Disgusting, lazy, fat habits! I'm getting up early tomorrow.
Whoever would have known that I could feel so disgusting, just for sleeping so late...

Anyway, I'm not complaining, today has been a decent day. A lonely one, but a pretty good one so hopefully tomorrow will be even better :)

I've decided to delete all my old journal entries - there were only about 10 anyway - because I'm making the most of the new year, Out with the old and in with the new right?

I'll be back in York in a week. Away from home, and back at uni.

I'm going to restrict a little over the exam week so I can focus I guess, and then I'm going on an all liquid diet for one week, over the second week back. Then, I don't know what I'll do from there...
I'm going to try to do this as healthily as I can this time. I don't want to be where I was before... part of me does, but common sense is telling me it's wrong. I'm doing to do my best to lose the weight I want to lose without starving. I know it'll be hard, diets are always like a downward spiral, but it's a new year and maybe this year things can be different.

Wish me luck,
xox

P.S. To all of you who read my last entry, thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate your comments. I feel a lot more positive today, because thanks to you guys, I don't feel so alone.

It's 3am here... I haven't been sleeping lately. I'm going to go try to sleep in a few minutes...

I'm just posting a quick entry to say:

I'm going to try to use this journal more in 2010, oh and I've set myself a few goals for this year and I intend to stick to them.

My goals for 2010 are@
- Achieve all the things I set out to do. 
I often say I'm going to do something and never actually do it, so this year, I'm going to try to stick to it.

- Be happier.
This year has been full of so many ups and downs, it's all just too much. New decade, new person? I'd like to think so. I want to find a new, happier me this year.

- Become a good student again.
I used to do so well in school and then things have just gotten worse as I've come to university. I used to have so much determination in the past; I am going to get that back this year. I'm promising myself that much.

- Try to find time to relax and have fun.
I don't know when I became the queen of stress but I can't keep living like this. I'm going to find myself dying from some stress related illness if I don't get on top of things.

- Stop pushing people away.
I guess I'm not all that good with people... I'd like to be, but I'm not. This year though, I want to change that. Instead of pushing the few friends I do have away, I'm going to try to be a better friend.

- Lose some weight.
I weighed myself yesterday. My BMI is currently 21.84, but I feel so much bigger than that. I'm sick of recovery and relapse. This year, I want to get back down to 115lbs (I'm 5'10.5") and stay there. I'm sick of how I am right now, I can barely look at myself without being ashamed. I want to be happy this year, and happy does NOT mean 154lbs. Seeing that written down is even more depressing than the figure was in my head...

Happy new year to anyone who reads this,
xo