Paint the Sky with Stars

 I think I'm going to try to update this more. I don't add to it nearly as often as I wished I did...



So, I go back to uni on Saturday. I'm so glad that I'm going to be free again... but I'm a bit sad to say that I'm glad for a lot of the wrong reasons. 
I do like being at home, don't get me wrong, but it's so much better living away from home because of the freedom. I love being able to go where I want, when I want. I love being able to eat and drink what I want, when I want to.
I'm not forced to eat... I never have been. 
When I was younger and my parents first realised I have having problems with my food, they were so upset by it. I tried really hard to get better, but an eating disorder is such a hard thing to kick.
I never want to see them as sad as they were then, so when I'm at home, I go through phases. I'll eat some days and other day I don't. I'll lose weight and then my parents will comment on how thin I'm getting or they'l start asking when I've eaten. Then I start feeling guilty, so I eat and then a few days later I regret it and start skipping meals again.

I hate this cycle. I just want to get back to how things are when I'm away from home. It's so much easier.

Well, I'm still feeling pretty chubby... BUT, I've lost 4lbs in the last 3 days which is good.

I'm feeling so happy with life right now, which is great :)

Not got much else to say really.

I've been running a lot lately and tonight I'm going out to the uni gym... it's expensive, so I'm using any money I would have spent on junk food, as my gym money :)

Oh, and my intake so far is 0calories.

I feel like I'm hitting a real low right now. The lowest I've felt in a long time.
I've done so well with recovery for a long time. There were plenty of times where I had minor relapses, but nothing like this. Before, I'd always been able to drag myself out of them, but not this time. This time I feel like I'm thriving on the lies, but I'm so ashamed at the same time. I know if I carry on like this, it won't be long until my parents are worrying again, but in my head, there's this little feeling of pride. It's like, if people are worrying, I must be doing something right again.
I've taken some pills to try to ease the anxiety I'm feeling right now, but nothing seems to be working.
I feel like this is going to be the relapse that's going to make me sick again and even though there's part of me that doesn't want that, the part of me that does want it seems to be bigger.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I wish I knew why I was feeling this way... I don't know what's triggered it really, but I feel so fucked up again.

I wish I had someone to talk to... I think I'm going to contact some old friends. I feel like I need a shoulder to cry on about everything. About my whole fucking life, but there's no-one I can talk to about this that I'll be able to see easily.

I've been home from uni for 3 weeks now, and I'm going crazy.

I'm not looking forward to getting back on the scales when I go back to uni next week. I know it's going to be horrible.
I'm never going anywhere without a scale again... I'm actually going crazy. The more I think about it, the more I'm worried about it... I know I've gained, but I've no idea how much.

*Fingers crossed* it's not too much.

I'm looking at groceries online atm, getting everything together for when I go back to uni next sunday. I can't wait!
My own food again!!

God, I hate being at home!!

Today's been okay actually though. Finishing the day on 755cals. It's not good at all, but I'm at home and can't get away with any 100cal days here, so I've done okay considering the circumstances.

TT people
xoxo

So, last week wasn't great... but it wasn't terrible. My weight's hit a plateau, but at least it's not a gain right?

To be honest, even though I haven't lost this week, I'm still pretty okay with it. Also, it's quite a bit to be proud of, when the amount of alcohol I drank is taken into consideration.
Over the course of two nights out (not consecutive btw) I drank a litre of vodka, various mixes of drinks, about 40ml of Pimms and various shots and cocktails whilst out... so yeaaaah, pretty ugly in the calorie department. I did do a lot of dancing on both nights though, so I'd say it's fair to say I burned most of it off =)

Tomorrow I'm planning to have a 400cal day. 30 cals for breakfast, 47 for lunch and 300 for dinner. Dinner would be less, but I'm cooking for the boyfriend and I don't want to a) cause concern or b) starve him.

I really love cooking for other people. It's funny that I have such a bad relationship with food, when I think of how much I love to cook. I love food, just as long as I don't have to eat it.
It's actually making me want to laugh a bit... but not so much funny 'ha-ha' kind of... more like funny 'oh dear'. o_O

Anyway, on to the actual point of this post.

I have a pill for just about everything these days:
- I get stressed out REALLY easily, therefore have tablets to keep me calm
- I have sleeping trouble at times, therefore herbal sleeping tablets
- Obviously, I have weight issues, therefore diet pills
- I'm worried I don't get enough greens, so I have tablets to compensate
- I don't want my hair to fall out, so I take vitamin supplements
- I want to take care of my brain (LOL), so I take omega 3,6 and 9 capsules
- I don't want to get pregnant, so I'm on the pill too
- I also have a cocktail of pain killers
- Oh and I take indigestion tablets for hunger pangs at times... rarely, but still

See... tablets for so many things. It's weird though, I kinda like it. I think I'm getting obsessed with this whole ridiculous idea, as I've spent time today, considering what else I may need a tablet for... Strange right?

Anyway, enough about me...
xoxo

I'm feeling pretty confident about today. I've burned off more calories than I've eaten and I'm feeling good, despite there being another meal on the clock.

So, today's intake:
Breakfast:
- Low-fat yoghurt: 110cals
- Coffee with skimmed milk powder: 30cals (I'm counting it high as I'm not quite sure)

Lunch:
- Instant noodles: 137cals

Dinner:
Not actually eaten yet, but planning to have a 50cal soup and maybe and apple.

That's a total of 277cals today, and will be 320cals by the end of the day.

I'm pretty ashamed of the instant noodles, but I've been eating soup for lunch, everyday for a while and I was dying for some solid food, lol. I'm not too fussed about it though as the calories were pretty low and I've burned quite a few today (557 to be precise)!

I was going for the whole ABC diet thing, but I think I prefere choosing my own daily calorie intake, so I'm just doing that for a while I think.

Im the happiest I've been in ages, because I'm finally losing again XD It feels soooo good. And this time, no parents to force me into recovery because they only see me every few weeks now!

Today's been a pretty good day. I'm trying to keep to under 800cals a day and so fact I've had about 500, which isn't bad.
Been a pretty busy day today, so the only exercise I've really done has been walking to and from campus, but it's a 15min walk and I've done it six times today, so it's better than nothing.

I'm back on diet pills. Stopped for a while, but I've back on some new ones. Trying out Adios Max... Never tried them before, but fingers crossed they'll have some good results. I'll keep people updated.